Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Things I Know 12.09

  1. Clowns are not scary. It’s the people behind the makeup you need to worry about.
  2. Women be advised: unless you are a waitress in Alabama, calling a man “sweetie” or “honey” will lead to a perceived interest.
  3. Men be advised: referring to a woman by similar titles is just creepy unless you’ve had your tongue in her mouth a minimum of six times.
  4. It is the bartender’s job to flirt. You will not sleep with her. Probably.
  5. Writing in a coffeeshop doesn’t make you special. The chances of someone noticing you and or finding you intriguing are about as good as teaching a dog to operate a forklift.
  6. Ordering Patron doesn’t make you classy. Furthermore, insisting your shot be chilled makes you both a lemming and a moron- you just paid eight bucks for a shot that’s half water. How about a lime?
  7. People tend to get annoyed when you refer to their children as, “Sexually Transmitted Diseases.”
  8. It is counter-productive to get annoyed when you see a beautiful woman with a douchbag guy. Chances are, she’s a douchebag too.
  9. Contrary to prior belief, it is still rape even if you yell, “Surprise!”
  10. Most people don’t care what you have to say and are not interested in your stories. Similarly, when people ask how you’re doing, they’re not actually inquiring as to the state of your existence.

1 comment:

  1. #3-4: and all other advice I could've used 5 years ago.

    #5: unless you give them something to ask about.